What does ‘self care’ really mean?

It's been a hard few years for many of us for a variety of reasons - from living with the unknown, to work stress, financial pressure, illness, or loss. And a world that changed drastically in the space of a few months to a new 'normal' we'd never experienced before.

Add to this a fairly constant negative narrative from the media, being cut off from loved ones, and worry about the future may bring, it’s no wonder burnout rates are at an all-time high.

There's been a lot of talk about self-care over this time, but what does self-care really mean?

While well-being tips are everywhere, these often focus on self-care being reliant on external sources - such as retreats, detoxes, and escapes. They can give us a much-needed break, and be an important part of self-care, yet in reality it's actually what you do day to day that matters most for feeling and being well.

Our society also tends to prioritise being productive and busy over relaxing and resting, and this can end up permeating every part of our life - meaning if we aren't achieving and being busy, we can feel guilty, lazy, we're or that we're wasting time. Leisure time is seen as a luxury rather than a necessity, despite the science showing it’s absolutely vital for a balanced healthy life.

It hasn't always been like this - for much of human history, while we've worked hard, we've also had a rest day, where we stop work, switch off, and spend time with others. Many cultures also have extended rest periods throughout the year, often related to religious or seasonal celebrations.

Human beings are not robots - we NEED rest (both physical and mental), and can't go on being busy indefinitely without suffering the consequences. Yet with the advent of 7-day late-night shopping, cellphones, social media, and the Internet being available 24/7, these downtimes are being lost, and work-life boundaries are becoming increasingly blurred.

While this has some benefits, it also means work and rest times are poorly defined, and we can easily end up being 'switched on' at all times, even when we're meant to be relaxing and 'switching off'.

The Internet is also infinite - meaning there is no limit to how much time you can spend on it, whether that be social media, reading articles, watching YouTube or shopping. And it's specifically designed to make us want to watch more, read more, and buy more - it's highly addictive for many people. Yet our brains have not adapted to be able to cope with this constant stimulation, and as a result, can quickly become overwhelmed with the amount of information they have to process.

Being 'bored' is becoming something we avoid, and rarely complain of anymore…

While this may seem like a good thing, many experts suggest that the lack of boredom we now expect in life is actually potentially damaging - as boredom and 'doing nothing’ is how our nervous system switches off, how our stress hormone levels drop, and how our creativity and cognitive function is able to thrive

When we do things that are pleasurable, this releases a hormone called dopamine from our brain, which gives us a 'hit' of satisfaction and makes us want to do it again and again. This is a survival mechanism, as it creates enjoyment and a feeling of achievement, which drives us to become successful at things we attempt - which can be a great thing in the right circumstances. Yet if we are constantly getting dopamine hits, our brain never gets a break, and we seek more and more stimulation - which also exhausts us. It's the exact mechanism by which addictions occur, and many scientists believe we're now becoming addicted to busyness, often without realising it!

This can manifest as an inability to sit still, difficulty turning our minds off, trouble relaxing, and a constant need to 'do' rather than 'be'.

There is nothing wrong with pleasure, but like with most things in life, it’s all about balance. And giving ourselves permission and time to slow down, rest, and switch off on a regular basis, is just as important as being successful.

So what does self care really mean?

It means feeling well, both physically and mentally; feeling like our life is balanced rather than overwhelming; and feeling like we have meaning and satisfaction.

While many people instantly assume this to mean owning all the things they want, and being financially successful, research shows us that that isn't actually what creates wellbeing or happiness. We obviously need enough resources to feel secure that we can provide for ourselves and our families, but success goes much much deeper than this.

Which is why greater happiness is not associated with greater financial wealth (it’s often the opposite!) - instead it is strongly associated with having a sense of meaning and purpose; having strong social connections and community; and the ability to be content, regardless of our circumstances.

Trying to find meaning and purpose in life can be tricky to start with when we're busy, as we tend to end up living in survival mode, only able to think about the immediate future rather than the bigger picture. But it's well worth trying to create some time to do this, as ultimately having a direction in life will make us happier, more satisfied, and even healthier!

So when you have a quiet moment, sit down and ask yourself:

✔️what makes you feel truly well?

✔️what does a good day at work or home look like?

✔️how satisfied are you with your life?

✔️what are the factors that affect this?

Studies have shown that spending time writing these down can make people feel happier and more content even in a few weeks! Often when we really think about these questions, answers such as 'having control over my own time', 'feeling like I have a purpose', 'feeling valued and appreciated', 'being with people who inspire me and who I enjoy being with' or 'feeling calm and grounded' are the ones that come to mind.

Asking yourself how satisfied you really are with life helps in several ways:

1) it means you intentionally reflect on different parts of your life, where you are now, and where you want to be

2) it keeps you accountable and honest to yourself

3) it helps to give you direction and a sense of purpose - as when life is busy it's very easy to go through it on autopilot without ever asking yourself if you're truly happy and fulfilled

Remember life also has many different aspects - work, social life, relationships, learning and growth, physical and mental health, time to do what you love etc - and often we can feel happy with one part of life but struggle with another. This is normal, yet all parts of our life still affect each other, and improving one area will have a flow-on effect to improve others

There is a strong relationship between levels of satisfaction and burnout, and staying aware of how you're feeling is key to starting well.

Remember - wellbeing is a continuum and you don't have to always feel happy to be well.

Life will always have negative things or challenges that arise from time to time, and it's OK to feel sad, worried, scared, or upset in response to these - otherwise toxic positivity can occur.

But becoming self aware, knowing what keeps you well in times of challenges, and creating the conditions that allow you to flourish and be your best, regardless, is what is at the very heart of self care, and what will keep you well - regardless of your circumstances.

So here are our top tips for self care:

1) develop a sense of who you are and what's important

2) be deliberate in your decisions and choices

3) choose habits on a day to day basis that help you stay well

4) become aware of the need for a 'dopamine detox' (reducing stimulation) and try do this on a regular basis to allow your mind and body to rest

5) identify when you're using distraction, stimulation, or being busy to avoid facing uncomfortable emotions, and work on finding constructive ways to deal with your feelings instead

6) develop a growth mindset rather than a fixed one, and reflect on setbacks as opportunities not disasters

7) be kind to yourself, and start to pay attention to what you're doing well rather than what you're not doing

8) learn to switch off and be present to appreciate the magic of life around you

9) set realistic expectations rather than perfect ones

10) surround yourself with people who build you up not drag you down as much as possible, and be prepared to set boundaries and speak out

11) practice gratitude, focusing on what is good in our lives can make us more aware of these, and less focused on the things we aren't as happy with

12) and lastly, remember that kindness and giving to others is one of the most powerful things you can do for your own wellbeing as well as others - plus it's contagious!!

Well-being is a journey, not a destination, but every step to take to prioritise your self-care, will take you one step closer to feeling truly well, healthy, and content.